My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
