Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
