How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
