i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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