god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
