You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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