I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ladies don't puke and tell
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
