Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
