The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
