Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
