I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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