I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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