Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
