remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
