ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
