I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You are the jesus of drinking
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
