If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My hand turned me down
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
