It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
