Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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