im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
