do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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