vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
