ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
