I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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