At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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