Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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