Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
