how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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