I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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