she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
