Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
