I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
