i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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