No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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