i would punch a child for taco bell
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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