watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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