i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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