why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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