Don't you send me to vm
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
