it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
