i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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