Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
