I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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