Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
