yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
