If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
