When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
