def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
