My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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