one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
