I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
