i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
