I accidentally burped into my bong.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
