My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
