if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
