Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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