Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
