i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
