You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
