I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
