the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
