I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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