That's when you crack a 10am beer
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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