Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
