And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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