how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
